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May 05, 2004

Worst Trip Ever

The following is my initial account of my strange misadventures in Memphis and Holly Springs last weekend. While at times, things truely did suck, I did as always enjoy the company of my two wonderful sisters. They were the whole reason I went in the first place

Before I begin, try to keep in mind that I did have a couple of good times while in Memphis, that's it.

Trip of Doom
Last weekend I took it upon myself to travel to Memphis to help my little sis move out of her dorm, I also thought there might be a bit of fun to have. Sounds simple right? I was sorely mistaken.
I set off from Hixson at around 9:00 after working for 12 hours. On my way, I discovered I was coming down with some bizarre illness that robbed me of my voice and made me feel like warmed over donkey shit.

Movin' On Out
By the time I arrived at Ashley's dorm my voice sounded like I just smoked 4,000 cigarettes and then proceeded to swallow a big glass of fire. And I had to parallel park. The actual moving process went like this. I go up to Ashley's room and her friends act like they don't know how to do all. We eventually start to move things, which goes pretty well for a while, but the whole time No One is all that helpful, besides Ashley. About midway through I decided to carry something remarkably heavy only to discover that I'm about as exhausted as I have ever been. I nearly collapsed 3 times on the way to the car.

The "Coolest" People in the World
Upon arriving at the apartment we were staying at for the night, I wanted to die. I had not eaten in 8 hours and things were looking pretty bleak. This weird fat kid asked me to buy liquor for him for his night at Music Fest. Things started to get blurry for a while. I felt as if I had gone to hell. No one seemed to understand that I felt terrible; in fact they acted like I spoke a different language. I tried to play off my horrid condition by joking around as much as I could, but even I wasn't buying it. After a lengthy debate on what the evening's events would be and how that fat guy was going to get his liquor, Ashley realized that I was going to die right there and needed Taco Bell immediately. On the way to Taco Bell I started hallucinating...seriously. I was so exhausted and physically drained that the road that lay before us became a kaleidoscope of pinks and purples. This was scary. I thought to myself," Well, this is the end of my life." The Taco bell brought me back from the brink of dementia, and I am forever grateful to double decker taco's. I also found out that they have Potato Burritos in Memphis. I thought Memphis was full of black people, not Irish people.
Later I fell asleep for an hour and felt better. That night was pretty fun, probably the best time I had throughout my entire trip. It was just Ashley and me against the world. We checked out this park, got McDonald's and rented Cannibal The Musical from the coolest video store there has ever been.

Army of Doucheness
Apparently, the next morning Hell opened up and an Army of pretentious bastards issued forth to oppose me. The day started out simple enough. I enjoyed a delicious baked potato from Wendy's along side my cohort, Ashley. I just realized that a detailed description of everything that happened on this day would only piss me off more than I already am. Now for a few notes:
All of Heather’s friends were assholes to me, save a guy named Guy
I don't understand other people's weird hang up's about other people's life decisions.
I never knew that being from Wisconsin was something to brag about.
I never knew that pretending you're smarter than everyone was good form.
Casey, the stoner, thought I was fucking 18
"Look at me I'm from Wisconsin, we're smarter than you. I saw Tom Petty once."
I have never before prayed that a house full of assholes die of cancer while I watch.
When did having a good time change from sitting around laughing and exchanging stupid stories to being talked down to and feeling like my very existence is threatening someone’s life.

Well that about sums it up. I hope you understand what I've said, and I hope I never have to live through anything like these people ever again. I shall now give a shout out to my homies. Heather, it's not your fault that I hate your friends. Ashley, I hope I wasn't too harsh. Fuck everybody else.

I realize now that there were a lot of weird factors working against everyone that weekend. I guess the truth is no one really knows what the hell exactly went wrong. I was probably in the worst mood of my life, Heather's freindship perils made thier own trouble, and I have always had a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable. I don't know what it is, but in any new situation, I weird people's shit out and I don't know why. It's like I'm from some far away land noone's ever heard of, and I speak a different language. Oh well, it's over, and weird situations that don't kill you will always make you laugh harder when they're over.

the end.


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