BonerLand

Fresh and new...and the same.

May 20, 2004

Inconvenient Accidents: Pt. I

Life was difficult enough the way it had always been. I saw Hailey the other day when I was on my way to the Omnimax Cinema, and I never could have anticipated the depth of how strange it was to see her. I was meeting J, who’s been my most esteemed cohort for going on ten years; and it just so happened that he worked at the theater. I had been at Norman’s Dungeon, the local hobby/gaming store, for hours aimlessly perusing the various crap that fills the shelves, hangs from floor to ceiling, and stairs at your crotch through the display case waiting for the slightest glimpse of attention. When I realized I had been eying the miniature dollhouse furniture for far too long, I left. I was growing quite fond of a tiny wooden armchair with navy blue corduroy upholstery. J was getting off work fifteen minutes early to go play some Super Nintendo, he was that kind of guy. So I strolled down the sidewalk towards the aging movie house I had frequented from early childhood and worked at on alternating summers for the better part of my employable life. I was rifling through the various art supplies I had picked up when, unexpectedly, the door to the Chinese Buffet Wok swung wildly open in front of my doomed path. The world was very strange for the next three minutes my mind took to gather what remained of my consciousness. I blacked out. The string of neon bulbs that were chain linked together for the length of the strip mall stared at me like a cosmic centipede crawling across a cheap aluminum floor. The triangular sign under the awning above me declared that ”, YOU CAN EAT ALL YOU CAN!

I replied slowly “, Gooooood”.

“What? Are you all right?” apparently a person had appeared before my failing vision. I couldn’t be certain they were there to help me, or if they were anywhere for that matter. All I knew was they smelled of lilac and soy sauce, and I also noticed as my eyes began to focus that I knew this person. Her hair draped around her smooth pale face and gently brushed my cheek with the movement of her lips. My god, she was beautiful.

“Huh, Hailey?”

“I, oh shit you’re bleeding.”

“I think I’m okay now. My nose hurts.”

“Yeah, it’s bleeding pretty steadily there.” I hadn’t seen Hailey in over a year at this point. She moved to Iowa mere days after an argument we had concerning the finer details of our untimely split. We had talked after the move, of course, but only on the phone and as friends…well, friends making a weak attempt to stay in touch; and we never once talked about anything regarding the nature of or reasons for our separation. I thought she had broken my nose.

I looked in the black tinted restaurant window to attempt some sort of self-damage inspection. There was a dark stream about an inch thick coming from my left nostril. God damnit, I thought hundreds of times at once. My head began to throb. She helped me up and fished a packet of Kleenex out of her purse. I wiped my upper lip off as well as I could manage, considering the bloody mess I had become. Hailey waited for me to say something patiently.

“ Hmm…I wish there was some way to make this moment any less disastrous, but I think I owe it to myself and you to just say thank you and be on my merry way,” my voice game out gravely and was muffled by the crimson tissue I clasped to my nostril. The only thing I could do to avoid further humiliation was to escape.

“ Todd, it’s okay. I’ll just walk you wherever you were going and leave. I’m visiting my sister tonight, and then I’m headed back home. Sorry about laying your ass out like that,” Hailey said without missing a beat. I laughed and spewed blood out of my nose. I’m pretty sure a little got on her arm, but she acted like nothing happened.

“ So did you come up for the weekend or…”

“Naw, I got here this morning. I tried to track you down but you must have been working.”

“ Oh, you did? I mean, damn, I wish I had known.”

“ Yeah, your roommate’s an asshole by the way. He told me you had died in your sleep last night and told me to stop calling your fucking house.”

“Oh right, he’s like that. You get used to it.”

“ He also said you came back as a gay zombie and went to work to eat some man-flesh, weirdo.”

“ That prick, I’ll have to kill him when he passes out on the couch tonight.”

Around this time we had reached the theater, despite the fact that we walked barely fast enough to not be considered just standing around. It looked like I was going to get out of this without talking about anything remotely personal.

“ This was nice, and only slightly horribly embarrassing. I’m glad I ran into you. I hope your trip home is okay.”

“ It was nice. I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in forever. I guess it would have been awkward to call. I could never figure out quite what to say to you after I left.”

“ Talking to you has rarely been awkward, and listen, Hailey I’m sorry for acting like a terrible asshole, I just couldn’t handle you leaving like you did. I hope there aren’t any sour feelings left over,” I had to say this for fear of a sharp gnawing ache in my throat. At this point I was running over a thousand different excuses to do something, anything with her tonight.

“ I’ll see you around, kay,” she said, her face flashed a grave and painful look. Then she kissed me. Her mouth pressed against mine with such staggering force, I thought my jaw would collapse. As she walked away, I stood there watching her cross the short distance out to her car in front of the Chinese eatery. Her breath slowly escaped my lungs as I watched her drive off, waving as she passed me, frozen to the sidewalk.

May 18, 2004

To Be Sane Again...Or for the First Time

Where My Bitches At?
I doubt my actual readership ever extends beyond the 3 to 4 people I've personally introduced to this silent hell of a website. Just to humor me, why not drop a comment for me so I can start my Christmas shopping. It can be anything, just leave me a random word. I wouldn't want to waste any more of your precious time.

Seinfeld
I watched that episode today where Elaine claims that she faked most of her orgasms with Jerry. After Jerry realizes he can't handle this, they decide they have to have sex with each other to save the friendship. If I were Jerry Seinfeld, the last scene would have lasted for 5 hours and would not be viewable on ANY TV channel ANYWHERE.

Work
I have to escape this place. There aren't any fucking windows anywhere! There isn't a single person in this entire soulless hunk of cold steel and concrete that I can relate to whatsoever.

I'm Tired of These Fucker's Talking About Turbo's
Every night at work, I suffer an endless barrage of dumb people who won't ever shut up about cars and how fast they go. As I'm typing this right now, I'm listening to the worst of them discussing "turbo's" while constantly watching video's of cars revving up and peeling out. I can only find comfort that some day they will unavoidably perish, maybe even painfully. "A stock turbo shell would be nice."-huge dumbass

The Brains collapsing on Themselves
Having a very strong imagination has its quirks, but it can also turn your brain against itself in ways I can never properly explain. The pressure is starting to get to me, and I hope I'm far away from anyone when I inevitably explode. My existence is plagued by the foul smelling beast that is mediocrity. I generally feel scammed in the ways of life, yet not enough so that I feel comfortable complaining about it. Follow me? There's something bothering me that I must seek endlessly into the depths of uncertainty, something I can't quite put my finger on; but I have to get one good touch or maybe just graze it with my pinky to continue on my jolly way in one piece.

Primus Sucks
The best band ever will be playing in Columbus, OH at the Promo West Pavilion on June 11. This time it'll be on the outside stage and it can't help but rock your bitch ass off...I'm not joking around, you'll have to buy a new ass after this show rocks it off. I'm not completely certain I'll be able to go as of yet, but anyone who's interested in comin' along should let me know.


May 13, 2004

The Continuing Adventures of Death Knight

Part the Second

Death Knight was riding shotgun.

The two companions sped through torrents of traffic for the better part of an hour. Death Knight checked his golden pocket watch. It was almost 3:00.
" Norman,the downtown exit is upon us," Death Knight pointed adamantly out the window.
" It's cool buddy. I ain't gonna miss it," Norman replied.
The afternoon sky began to darken. The grey clouds rolled in over the city's sky-scape. The streets were empty...of cars, people, traffic cops...deserted.
" There is a fell air about. Be wary," said Death Knight.
" I hear ya. It ain't never like this durin' mid afternoon," Norman replied.
The car's usual rumblings died down as the they slowed to a full stop.
" Goddmannit, she stopped," said Norman ", The key won't even turn."
To which Death Knight responded ", This does not bode well. Stay here."
Death Knight stepped from the car. The utter silence washed over him as he began to move cautiously through the street. Death Knight's long and dark cape flapped intermittently with the stormy gail rushing through the street. Darkness was upon them. The ground shook as the very earth split in twain before Death Knight's travel sodden boots. He backed away to the vehicle, where Norman was standing.
The road ahead was wrenching itself from the ground seemingly by it's own will. It rose in front of them, towering higher than the 13 story building they had stopped before. Great Arms tore themselves from the monstrous form. The creatures head bent toward them, jagged jaws dripping crumbled stones of black and grey. A doubled yellow line stretched the length of the beast.
" Muther Fucker!" stated Norm.
" Back away friend, this beast may prove more than my strength. I would not have you witness my passing," Death Knight said.
Norman popped his trunk and removed a pump-action shotgun. " Fuck that, man. I got yer back."

May 08, 2004

Happy Graduration, Header!

That's right folk's, she's doin' it again...in style. this will be the 47th time she's graduated, and oh no, she ain't stoppin' there. Next week Heather will be graduating from both Gainsville and Taco Bell University. Oh, and five minutes after graduating today, she will graduate again from having graduated in the first place. So a big BOO YAH! goes out to Heather "badass muther fucker" Johnston to the Max.

The Continuing Adventures of Death Knight

Part the 1st

Death Knight sat painfully on the sidewalk.

The slab of concrete barely reached the top of his heel. Death Knight had been waiting there forever, it seemed. His travels had brought him to the Save-O-Shop a block from the single room apartment he occupied as a shadow occupies a corner...a dimly lit one. Death Knight was in need of supplies, and a ride. Thusly, having no phone, nor enough money for cab fair, Death Knight used the Save-O-Shop convenience phone to call his friend Norman.
Death Knight was in need of haste. A letter came in the mail earlier that morning notifying our hero that the Silver 'V', a key of unknown power and use, had been located and was in need of Death Knight's immediate attention. Normally Death Knight would have taken his journey on foot, but the previous night's event's had left him a bit weary. He had to wait for Norman, or this would severely suck.
Norman pulled up in his Chevrolet of an indecipherable model and year. It was five different colors ranging from an electric pink to a grayish hue. The car rumbled and sputtered as Norm pulled the right side of the metal behemoth onto the curb.
" Sorry, man. I was at this dude's house and I forgot you called like five hours ago," grumbled a slurred drawl out of the cracked window.
" I am in greatest need of haste. We must travel to the Taco Plaza on east and 3rd," Death Knight proclaimed.
" Alright, man but you should know... somethin' weird happened in that seat a coupla days back."
" You have informed me of this already, my friend. I will take the risk."
The car rolled slowly off the sidewalk knocking over a plastic Home Time Realty pamphlet vendor and sped away into the afternoon traffic.

May 05, 2004

Worst Trip Ever

The following is my initial account of my strange misadventures in Memphis and Holly Springs last weekend. While at times, things truely did suck, I did as always enjoy the company of my two wonderful sisters. They were the whole reason I went in the first place

Before I begin, try to keep in mind that I did have a couple of good times while in Memphis, that's it.

Trip of Doom
Last weekend I took it upon myself to travel to Memphis to help my little sis move out of her dorm, I also thought there might be a bit of fun to have. Sounds simple right? I was sorely mistaken.
I set off from Hixson at around 9:00 after working for 12 hours. On my way, I discovered I was coming down with some bizarre illness that robbed me of my voice and made me feel like warmed over donkey shit.

Movin' On Out
By the time I arrived at Ashley's dorm my voice sounded like I just smoked 4,000 cigarettes and then proceeded to swallow a big glass of fire. And I had to parallel park. The actual moving process went like this. I go up to Ashley's room and her friends act like they don't know how to do anything...at all. We eventually start to move things, which goes pretty well for a while, but the whole time No One is all that helpful, besides Ashley. About midway through I decided to carry something remarkably heavy only to discover that I'm about as exhausted as I have ever been. I nearly collapsed 3 times on the way to the car.

The "Coolest" People in the World
Upon arriving at the apartment we were staying at for the night, I wanted to die. I had not eaten in 8 hours and things were looking pretty bleak. This weird fat kid asked me to buy liquor for him for his night at Music Fest. Things started to get blurry for a while. I felt as if I had gone to hell. No one seemed to understand that I felt terrible; in fact they acted like I spoke a different language. I tried to play off my horrid condition by joking around as much as I could, but even I wasn't buying it. After a lengthy debate on what the evening's events would be and how that fat guy was going to get his liquor, Ashley realized that I was going to die right there and needed Taco Bell immediately. On the way to Taco Bell I started hallucinating...seriously. I was so exhausted and physically drained that the road that lay before us became a kaleidoscope of pinks and purples. This was scary. I thought to myself," Well, this is the end of my life." The Taco bell brought me back from the brink of dementia, and I am forever grateful to double decker taco's. I also found out that they have Potato Burritos in Memphis. I thought Memphis was full of black people, not Irish people.
Later I fell asleep for an hour and felt better. That night was pretty fun, probably the best time I had throughout my entire trip. It was just Ashley and me against the world. We checked out this park, got McDonald's and rented Cannibal The Musical from the coolest video store there has ever been.

Army of Doucheness
Apparently, the next morning Hell opened up and an Army of pretentious bastards issued forth to oppose me. The day started out simple enough. I enjoyed a delicious baked potato from Wendy's along side my cohort, Ashley. I just realized that a detailed description of everything that happened on this day would only piss me off more than I already am. Now for a few notes:
All of Heather’s friends were assholes to me, save a guy named Guy
I don't understand other people's weird hang up's about other people's life decisions.
I never knew that being from Wisconsin was something to brag about.
I never knew that pretending you're smarter than everyone was good form.
Casey, the stoner, thought I was fucking 18
"Look at me I'm from Wisconsin, we're smarter than you. I saw Tom Petty once."
I have never before prayed that a house full of assholes die of cancer while I watch.
When did having a good time change from sitting around laughing and exchanging stupid stories to being talked down to and feeling like my very existence is threatening someone’s life.


Well that about sums it up. I hope you understand what I've said, and I hope I never have to live through anything like these people ever again. I shall now give a shout out to my homies. Heather, it's not your fault that I hate your friends. Ashley, I hope I wasn't too harsh. Fuck everybody else.

Epilogue
I realize now that there were a lot of weird factors working against everyone that weekend. I guess the truth is no one really knows what the hell exactly went wrong. I was probably in the worst mood of my life, Heather's freindship perils made thier own trouble, and I have always had a tendency to make people feel uncomfortable. I don't know what it is, but in any new situation, I weird people's shit out and I don't know why. It's like I'm from some far away land noone's ever heard of, and I speak a different language. Oh well, it's over, and weird situations that don't kill you will always make you laugh harder when they're over.

the end.