BonerLand

Fresh and new...and the same.

April 28, 2004

3 Post Wednesday...just because I can

That was quite possibly the worst Bad Poetry I've ever done. Please try not to cringe too hard while reading it. Well I'm going to Memphis this weekend WOOHOO! I hope everything goes well while I'm there, and I hope Ashley's friends don't scare me. Now that I'm sober, it's time for another exciting night of work. Our internet privileges have been taken away at ye ol' factory of doom, the bastards. So I obviously haven't been able to post as often as I'd like, bastards. I missed yesterday's 2 post Tuesday and haven't posted anything since last week, so I thought I'd make it up to you with an ungodly 3 posts. 2 of which were written while quite inebriated, so beware. I need to try to figure out how to post pictures so you can watch my transformation to bald. Trust me, they're weird.

Shit I've Read Recently

Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Restaurant at the End of the End of the Universe
Garth Ennis: Preacher; Vol. 2 Until the End of the World
Neil Gaiman: American Gods
Good Omens w/ Terry Pratchett
John Irving: A Prayer for Owen Meaney
Ken Kesey: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Stephen King: The Gunslinger
Rose Madder
The Shining
C.S. Lewis: The Magician's Nephew
Alan Moore: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen; Vol. I
Michael Moore: Dude Where's My Country?
Sylvia Plath: The Bell Jar
J.D. Salinger: The Catcher in the Rye
J.R.R. Tolkein: The Silmarillion
The Hobbit
The Fellowship of the Ring
The Two Towers
The Return of the King
Kurt Vonnegut: Cat's Cradle
Galapagos
H.G. Wells: The Time Machine

Bad Poetry Part 3: Turdiculous Poetry

Martian Manhunter
The best of his class
He's got JLA powah
177 pts of awesome
2 clicks of stealth to hide from your bitch ass
2 clicks of phasing to get away from your aforementioned bitch ass
Super Strength down the 10 click dial to pound thine ass into submission
1 click of Impervious to fuck you over big time
1click of Invulnerablity to fuck your mama
8 clicks of toughness to decrease your bitch ass damage
4 clicks of Perplex to fuck up your mind
and 10 mighty clicks of 3 damage to kill your ass before you have the time to say, hey you're using Martian Manhunter against my bitch ass.

Icehouse
I'm drunk on Icehouse
it's amazing that I can even spell right now
I'm so drunk
All of my CD's were stolen
but i'm not mad
I just see this as an opertuntity
to start my collection over
from scratch
hey, i like R.E.M.
Fuck Ryan Adams
Wonderwall?
That song wasn't cool the first time

Memphis Niggers
Memphis is full of niggers
but wait, I don't believe in niggers
though I was raised to believe they are not quite like us white folk
Niggers are people too
when you think about it,
Nigger is just a state of mind
not an ethnic group
white people are niggers too
they just live in trailers instead of project housing
The world is unfair
People=People
Black people are no different from white people
they just know how to have more fun



April 20, 2004

2 Post Tuesday

I've taken upon myself to post twice on Tuesdays henceforth...or at least I'll try whenever time and motivation allow. So that means my faithful readers will have to use the little scrolly mouse thingy between the buttons to fully appreciate this new "feature".
First off, I have to recomaend that you, yes YOU, go see Kill Bill Vol. 2 as soon as you can. This movie was so good, that my favorite actor/actress ever is now unquestionably Uma Thurman. She has such a knack for making seemingly goofy dialougue sound serious as hell. If you haven't seen the first one, you owe it to yourself to go to your local video store, rent Kill Bill Vol.1 (which came out Tuesday), and then stock up on jiffy pop. The combined work is far more than your average movie. I won't give anything away about it, but I will say that Kill Bill offers such a tastey combination of humor, horrifically campy ultraviolence, and pure pollished storytelling, you can't help but enjoy every last blood spray.
I went to a heroclix tournament this weekend ( the full account of which is in the other post), which was quite entertaining despite having to play with a weird middle aged couple. None of my other gaming minded friends were available that day, so I ended up going it alone. I would have won too, if it hadn't been for the crappy tournament rules. I'll get those damn rules some day...I'll get them good.
Enjoy the second installment of my horrendously bad poetry and I hope next Tuesday will be less redundant. Happy Day.

Bad Poetry Part 2: Awful Poetry

Kill Bill Vol. 2 Was Awesome, Man
I sat there in the dark
thinking
Hey, that's that guy from Kung Fu
Oh shit she just ripped that bitches eye out
oh god
I so never want to be burried alive
must learn the three inch punch
like Bruce Lee
She sure isn't killing as many people as that other movie
but I'm almost certain this one is better
the Superman soliloquy was moving
must see again
right now
oh wait I'm at work
well later then

Shitting
Oh I feel weird
better go shit
for good measure
I'm shitting
ugghhhh
oh man
that hurt's
it shouldn't hurt
or maybe...
yeah, it shouldn't hurt
uggghhhh...uggghhhhh
why won't I shit more
I need to shit
I will shit
I wish I had a magazine
oh wait here it goes
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
whew
I'm getting that one mounted.

Tournament of Losers
The comic store
today there's a tournament
They will taste my wrath
but wait, what's this
no tornament of champions have I found
but just two middle aged fat people
or no wait three
one has a wife
They look at me like I've a penis
grown from my brow
Though they are the ones who are fat
and old
and in a comic book store
I will be them some day
No, never!
I will be way cooler, and not nearly as fat
or stupid
or annoying
they both are all of these
My opponents
the third is a judge
I buy a couple of boosters
as do they
I pulled a bunch of crap
Dormamu...shouldn't he fly?
They try to disarm me
with annoying comments abound
I lose round one on a technicality
They play the second
against each other
I imagine them playing every night at home
ugghh creepy
I'm suddenly glad
my own lady rather hates this game
I beat the woman
with my psychic blast
and some telekenisis
I take home a special Plastic Man
he's disguised as a mailbox
This tournament sucked

I Hate Haikus
Fuck those
They're bullshit
I don't like rhyming either
or spelling correctly
or making any sense
Screw it

Fin

April 14, 2004

These Colors Suck

I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm going to have to go back and over haul this bitch now. The greeny purpley thing is nice, but i can't figure out the rest of this shit.
Taxes
On to other matters, I did my taxes last night. WOOHOO! I can't wait to get that sweet sweet government money. Money's always so much tastier when it comes from people who don't want to give it to you. Those bastards will pay...seriously, they have to.
Heroclix
This will hopefully be the only mention of this today. Due to some crafty online trading, I'll soon have the holy grail of heroclix, the mighty Kingdom Come Superman. I went to the post office on Monday morning to mail off a couple of figures I have two of to Waco, TX where a fellow loser claims he lives. The postal workers were disarmingly nice. Something made me expect them to be full of rage and venom, but the nice lady at the counter just gave me a box and some newspaper to pack my figures into. What a bunch of suckers.
Babies
Having a baby is like performing oral surgery on yourself without a degree or a mirror. It's also like eating pie...an explaination for either of these escapes me.
Assholes
I hate people that act like they believe they understand everything about everything. You know, those unnerving people who treat life like they're backstage at a puppet show. They look at others like they have some sort powers that allow them to see inside a person's mind, only to discredit anything they find. These assholes know what you are thinking as well as the motives behind everything you've ever done in your life. What I truely like about this type of individual is how absolutely wrong they are. Any insight they give you is utter bullshit derived from their twisted logic that sets them high atop the mountain they consider as their life. I say fuck these people, and not in the good way. They're false. There are matters in this world that they, or anyone else for that matter, can never understand. Perhaps that's what makes them such horrible bastards.
Pie
In an attempt to end on a lighter note, how about enjoying a delicious slice of your favorite pie today. It will do you good.

April 10, 2004

Comedic Truths

The following is a list of things that have been unquestionably funny throughout time:

1. Farts
2. People falling down
3. People dropping things
4. Bears
5. Fat people
6. When someone engages in two simultanious, embarrassing bodily functions (i.e. burping and hiccuping, farting and vomiting, laughing and farting)
7. Curse words
8. Unsespecting people getting hit in the crotch with anything
9. Accidental urination
10. People in bear costumes
11. Monkeys
12. Puppets

Well that's all I've got for now.

Sign the save Home Movies online Petition:
http://www.petitiononline.com/abachniv/petition.html

Visit the new links.

Remember the Alamo.

April 06, 2004

Home Movies: The Last Episode

This Sunday's Adult Swim lineup was to include the premier of this season's last episode of Home Movies. Rumors have been spread around the cartoon community that the show was in danger of cancelation by Cartoon Network, despite its high ratings and devoted fan base. Being at the time in denial of the possibility of such an intelligent and hilarious show being cancelled, I was shocked when I tuned in to watch Adult Swim on Sunday night, to find the last episode of Home Movies...ever. The episode was so sad, it was difficult to watch. [Spoiler Warning!] Brendon gathered up a "focus group" of fellow classmates (Junior, Walter, and Perry) to watch and review some of the movies he, Melissa, and Jason had made over the years. The group hated his movies, which were all bad of course, but this made the kids try to get their focus back by filming an ending to their very first movie, which was unfinished and filmed when they were very little. Throughout the episode, coach McGurk is working on building this grill Brendon's mom had purchased. McGurk and Brendon have a conversation that perfectly defines their relationship, and Mcgurk's semi- fatherhood of Brendon. The three kids film alternate, and equally bad endings to the film, which are all panned by their critics. Brendon, Jason and Melissa are left sitting around talking about why they make these movies, and why are they so bad. The scene ends with a montage of clips from the various movies they've made throughout the series with sad music playing in the background. It ends with Brendon, his mom, Jason, Melissa, and McGurk driving to the store to replace the grill McGurk had just spent over a week to put together and exploded. Brendon's filming out the car window when they suddenly hit a bump, which knock's his camera out of his hand. The camera is in turn run over. The show ends from the camera's perspective, turned on it's side, and then fizzling out to nothing.

I was traumatized. My favorite show is gone. I fear I'll never be able to watch Adult Swim ever again, after they completely betrayed my trust and screwed their fans over. I'll miss this show, and I'll miss Adult Swim too. I'm gonna go burn all the notes it ever wrote me. Adult Swim has turned into a thankless bitch. It broke my heart last night, and I'll never be the same. Thanks a lot Cartoon Network. Don't call me anymore.

April 02, 2004

Boring Crap That Noone Cares About

Warning: The following post may bore you to tears. It's about Heroclix, and you'll most likely have no idea what the hell I'm talking about...but that's okay. I had nothing else to write about, and apparently these posts are in high demand right now. Thanks for your love and appreciation. I also thank you for putting up with my boring crap (Beware the parenthesis).

Yesterday was the best day in my Heroclix life. As you may know (and if so, don't care about whatsoever), the knew expansion of DC comic book themed collectable figures I worship (there's probably a commandment about that, I'll have to check my files) was released today, or should I say UNLEASHED up on the willing masses of horrendously nerdy individuals like myself.
I was awakened at the crack of 11:30 by the woman, telling me my Shazam! figure had arrived. (Shazam! is a special mail-away fig. from the new set. He's based on a character that came out in the 50's in the pages of WHIZ comics {snicker}. He was named Captain Marvel then, and was published by Fawcette publications. International publications, which later became DC comics, sued the creators of Captain Marvel for his similarities to Superman. After a brief stint of publication, the book was forced into cancelation, unless International were to lift it's cease and desist order. DC later adopted the character into its own comic line. The name 'Captain Marvel' was then challenged by Marvel comics, and forcably changed to Shazam, which is what his alter ego Billy Batson yells whenever he changes into the hero of the same name.) I had been waiting forever for this tiny peice of delicious plastic so long I was about to resort to standing in front of my mailbox screaming Shazam!at the top of my lungs until it finally showed up or I was arrested or something. But it came at the perfect time, right when the new set was released. This was the first and only time I have ever or will ever 'jump' out of bed.
After claiming victory at the mail box, I met up with my friend and fellow nerd in arms, Nathan at the local 'special interest store' (hobbytown). They hadn't put out 'the goods' by the time we got there, but we forced them to sell us our toys. I had the good fortune to 'pull' ( this term refers to whatever you happen to pull out of the box, they're put in there randomly) The mighty Metallo ( a giant robot full of Kryptonite that fights Superman), and the Veteran Green Lantern ( the term Veteran refers to the figure's rank, each standard figure has 3 versions: rookie, experienced, and veteran, Metallo was a unique).
Thanks for allowing me to bore the crap out of you, unless of course you happen to enjoy playing with little toys.

hey, I managed to get through a post without cursing...unless you count hell...or crap.