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March 22, 2004

The Dangers of Being Alive

If you suffer from the condition of being alive, you are susceptible to a barrage of health threatening situations that can only end in your death. The symptoms and causes for this illness of life are completely undetectable because anyone who has ever done anything has died...sometimes quite painfully. Here follows a list of things to be wary of if you happen to find that you are indeed alive:

1) People: If you are living, you may be at risk of interacting with people. People can cause death through an infinite variation of unpredictable aspects of their own existence. They are a constant threat and simply ignoring them will not avail you. Anyone who is alive will at some point come to rely on people for various needs ranging from food preparation to emotional stability. People will kill you, avoid them at all costs.

2) Animals: While some may appear to make your condition (aliveness), at times happier and more endurable, they are all a deadly nuisance. Simply by growing fond of these death traps makes you a victim of their soul sapping doom powers. Like us, they are also capable of death and can kill you by the offspray of their exploding carcasses.

3) The Elements: Over time it has been made painfully clear that the environment of this very planet is OUT TO GET YOU. Our ecosystem has an extensive arsenal of death to torment you and force you into hiding. The environment is aware of all living things and is ready to deal the death blow at any time. It's just waiting for you to feel comfortable stepping outside your comfy house to embrace you in its talons of death. Always remember, nature is merely permiting you to be alive, it can kill anyone suffering from life at any time, beware.

Disclaimer: While the above facts are all unquestionably true, they were written in haste and while bored. Don't judge me, life will kill you someday too.


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